By Colin Mcguire
Rockwell Brewery, 880 N. East St., Suite 201, Frederick, MD
CHRIS MAKES COLIN DRINK …
* Buckethead Wheat Ale (Voltaggio collaboration)
* Drop Kick Red Irish Red Ale
* Bitchin’ Camaro Milk Stout
* Earth Rocker East Frederick Style IPA
* Double Vision Double IPA
This was Chris’s decision because … well, I don’t know. I think he murmured something along the lines of the fact that he hadn’t been there in a while, but “a while” in this case for Chris could have just as easily translated to “35 minutes,” considering how often he frequents local breweries. I mean, this guy visits these things about as much as I visit the drive-thru at McDonald’s, and no, nobody feels good about this.
HOW MUCH DID I WANT TO TRY ANY OF THESE BEERS?
About as much as President Trump loves to see the words “FBI meeting” on his day’s itinerary.
It’s a fairly rustic place. And by “rustic,” I mean “sort of like 96 percent of every other brewery in America.” Modern decor. Trying to look like it doesn’t care, but it does. Large. Open. Metal. Wood. Neat lights. Weird chairs. Very, very weird chairs. Decidedly comfortable. Not unlike a bloated man cave. Just dark enough to make me feel like my cold sore wasn’t entirely embarrassing, but just light enough to remind me I am not an attractive human being.
THE BEST THING TO COME OUT OF THIS MESS
Well, so, it wasn’t until we were nearly finished that Chris alerted me to the fact that all the drinks at Rockwell are based around something that deals with music. When it clicked, then, that Buckethead actually referenced the guitarist of the same name, my heart swooned.
NOW, ABOUT THE BEER …
So. As I’ll always say, I know nothing about this stuff. Enter the “Chris” in the “Chris Makes Colin Drink” that you see as the headline for this piece. And as for the “Chris” in this equation … well, he listed Earthrocker as his favorite beer here, which he also noted was “bitter like your soul.” Cute. I didn’t not like Earthrocker; I just liked the Drop Kick Red Irish Ale a lot. A real lot. Actually, I even liked it more than the Bitchin’ Camaro Milk Stout, and you know how much I love my stouts. Anyway, the Earthrocker confused me because it was listed as an “East Frederick Style IPA,” and to me, that’s kind of like saying the Whopper at the Burger King near the airport is superior to the Whopper at the Burger King on the Golden Mile because … well, nothing good has come from the Golden Mile since 1983 and someone needs to figure that mess out soon. Like, honestly? We all know that a Golden Mile Whopper has the same onions that an Airport Whopper has. Duh. Anyway, Chris said things like “crisp,” “clean,” and “lingering bitterness” while I said, “You know what? Maybe I should give that Burger King on the Golden Mile a second chance.
WILL WE BE GOING BACK?
Yeah, I’d go back. The red ale was awfully good and even though I wasn’t in the mood for a stout, the stout impressed me. My only regret is the Buckethead because while it was without question the coolest name for a beer I’ve ever heard, it left an aftertaste in my mouth that was akin to things I’m not allowed to write about in a family newspaper. But hey: There was some pretty great music coming through the speakers, the place is right next to Family Meal, which has outrageously perfect fried chicken, and the fine young lady who brought us our beers was super nice. So, really, what more could I possibly want?